awake...

i've been experienced a loaded stress...
ndak tau juga seberat apa... tapi yang jelas... lebih berat dari stress2 biasa yang hinggap tidak begitu lama di kepalaku...

tapi kenapa bisa sampe stress juga ndak ngerti...
mungkin karena tekanan2 pekerjaan..
mungkin karena tekanan2 di rumah..
ato mungkin juga karena im having such a very long menstrual delay..
yang diakibatkan oleh stress dan menyebabkan stress...

at that time.. keknya ku ndak mo mikir apa-apa lagi...
its a state of mind... at that point...
i just want to sit down... and mumble myself to sleep..

ku membahas itu dengan abang yang dengan sabar mencoba menggali sumber dan penyebab stressku... tekanan dirumah... sesuatu yang secara tidak sadar kuciptakan sendiri...

its really comfortable to hear his voice echoed through my empty brain...
i really love those voice..
the voice that comfort me so much that i dont have to find myself or anything...
i just sit there...
and be conscious..

its bother me so much that i gained so much weight during the eid holiday...
i promise my self to get rid of the overloaded fat before the new year...
*its really a promise*

but still it drives me nuts to think about it...
i tried to relax my nerve down by taking lots of yoga hour...
it just ended up like... minutes...

sometimes i think...
all of this and that...
which is written in famous book...
and praise by lots of people out there
it just didnt work for me...

im having much heavier time when i know... im might be NOT on the list of CPNS opening registration... its stucked me in where i am now... and i hate to know im not moving anywhere...

i have to move on...
i want my life to be progressive... not just like this, year after year...
i want to move to the higher state...

i though i would be happy if i have all that...
and becoz i dont...
im stressed out...

but his voice...
so long and far away...
comfort me in such a way that brought my smile on my grumping face..
its officially been a year now that we haven't meet each other...
its long... tiring.. exhausting..

but he still there...
standing in the dark.. and popped up whenever i scream for help...

its a weird world we're living now...
i explore blogs by blogs while blogwalking and meet lots of different people with different life's orientation...
they're just happy in their own spot...
no matter how kinky it is..

there's a blog about a loving moms who create a sugar coated cake everyday for living... there's a lady who go pub every friday and do extravaganza things (like madeout in a park, and teasing a man nextdoor)... there's a same-oriented-dad that enjoy his flight...

a different people..
a same fulfillness..


there is nothing forever in this whole wide world...
why waste time with stressed out?

im waking my self out now...